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What not to do and How not to do it

Am I the only person on this good green earth who believes that Paris Hilton deliberately planted those tapes because she has a new TV program coming out and she doesn’t want you to miss it? I’m really starting to think so. But, just in case it really was an “accident,” I’m dedicating this blog to all those things you are not supposed to do.

You are not supposed to drink cheap tequila. Nope. Can’t do it. Sorry.

You are not supposed to tape yourself having sex. You may want to run for a senate seat someday. Not only that, if you should happen to become rich and famous, somebody will someday use that sex tape against you. Not to mention the fact that you were once a senator. Audio tapes are permitted, provided you disguise your voice well enough.

You are not, under any circumstances, to wear white after labor day. Some of my friends are not allowed to wear white at all. Although, I do have to wonder. Now that Johnny Cash has died are we all supposed to wear WHITE all the time? Hmmm.

You are not allowed to make suggestions for a road trip locale if you are not intoxicated. Sorry but, it’s just no fun that way.

You are not to program your computer, subsequently call me, and ask for advice regarding your printer. I will kill you. And, since you’re not smart enough to fix your own printer, let me explain this to you. The act of me killing you probably will hurt.

You are never to craft an apology containing the word “but…” You either apologize or you don’t. There just are not buts.

And, speaking of butts, you are not to mention the size of any posterior. Ever. Don’t care if it’s big or small, fat or skinny. I just don’t want to hear about it. Unless you are Nelly. Then you are too cute, and you’re allowed. (I can issue “hall passes” in Carol’s Little World because, well after all, I am Carol.)

You are not to provide fodder to the tabloids. Ever. Let them dig through my garbage if they really want it. Make them work for their money.

And finally, whatever you don’t do, you should be sure to enjoy it or, in the very least, don’t do it well. Hey, don’t blame me if it goes wrong either, I’m just the blogger.

Until next time, this is Carol, the Carol in “Carol’s Little World” signing off and not doing it.

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