So a communist bush and a tree bandit walk into a bar…Kidding, kidding. This is a photo of the communist bush at the end of the street where I live. What makes it a “communist” bush and not a regular, old, run-of-the-mill bush? Well, that’s easy-it’s started a revolution and has half overtaken the sidewalk. (It’s all Chase’s fault. He likes to, ahem, “water” it by….well…nevermind that.)
Oh, and, in case you’re wondering-what’s all this about a tree bandit? That ones easy too. The Christmas Tree Bandit is back! The Christmas Tree Bandit is back!
“Who or what is a Christmas Tree Bandit?” you might ask. And I’d tell you.
Every year in Austin, some “mystery” person goes out and decorates the trees along Highway 360 as Christmas trees. Garland is strung, tinsel is placed, Christmas balls are hung, the works! On probably more than 100 trees, Christmas decor is adorned.
The people of Austin don’t seem to mind the Christmas trees. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, we actually LIKE the Christmas trees. So, where does the “bandit” part come in? That’s a good question. You see, the City of Austin has decided they want to “crack down” on the Christmas tree decorator. So, they organized a task force (did nothing) and eventually called for the police to step in to catch this wild free-roaming outlaw. So, rather than catch actual murderers, rapists, or even holiday muggers, the Austin Police now have to try to catch this Christmas Tree decorator, or the person I like to call the “Christmas Tree Bandit.”
So, how do they set out to catch the bandit, hot in his tracks? Easy enough, they start stopping people and asking (ok, maybe actually “demanding” would be a better word seeing as they have this penchant for using tasers and large caliber sidearms as they wish) for a description. So now we have the APD, stopping random holiday shoppers, demanding to see a driver’s license (or some form of ID) and demanding to know (least ye be tased, oh merry shopper thee!) “Have you seen the person defacing these trees?”
As you can imagine, the descriptions of the Christmas Tree Bandit aren’t very accurate. Most people make up odd, random things such as, “he was a tall fellow with orange hair” or he was “short, fat, and bald yet somehow looked a bit like a basketball player I once knew.” He’s been a black main with hair dyed yellow, a woman, a man dressed as Santa, a tall thin redhead. Heck, never mind the decorating, he’s a master of disguise, that bandit is.
I actually did see the Christmas Tree Bandit once. I caught him in the act of full contact decorating down in South Austin, really I did. Of course, this was before I knew all about the “bandit” part. Unfortunately, the police in Austin did not stop me (at the time) and ask (ahem, “require”) I give a description. I would have enjoyed adding to the random craziness that is the Christmas Tree Bandit. And you know, you just know, I would have come up with some kind of doozie to add to their growing list of useless descriptions. (I would have probably come up with something like “he looked like a cross-dressing Lee Harvey Oswald only with better teeth.”)
But, I did see him long enough to give you, my loyal snowflakes, a fair and accurate description. (Yes, I did.) And so now, drum roll please, I present to you my very fair and accurate description of the Christmas Tree Bandit! He looked just like The Stig when you take his helmet off and put a pair of eyeglasses on him. Really, he did. The Stig is the Christmas Tree Bandit! Who knew?
Ah, but, if you think about it, it makes so much sense now. I mean, APD can’t catch him (he’s too fast!) and I’m sure, among the descriptions, the many, many descriptions they have is “a man in a crash helmet waving a string of garland at passing traffic.” Not to mention The Stig does have a long record of criminal activity (he’s a bad boy, that Stiggy is.) Remember, he did get arrested in Scotland once and, for the police car chase show, he had his windshield painted pink. He’s a real outlaw, that Stiggy is. Does it really surprise anybody he’s been spotted running around, dashing about, in the wilds of South Austin with garland, tinsel, and Christmas balls? He’s probably got a Zonda hidden under one of those trees and takes off to Mexico before they even know what Christmas balls him them.
So now, since we know his “real” identity, I must declare: Go, Stiggy, Go! Stuff that in your stocking-The Stig is the Christmas Tree Bandit! and you can’t catch either one of them this Christmas, at least, not yet. Something tells me though, they’ll be hanging out Thursday night, sipping eggnog with some fat man in a red suit, drinking to “political correctness” all the while laughing their Larsen’s Biscuits off.
Go, Bandits, go! (Gotta love the Bandits…just gotta love the bandits.)
Until next time…
