Top 10 Moonlighting Gigs for The Stig

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I happened upon this spoiler about how Jeremy Clarkson and the Top Gear crew were spotted out filming on the grounds of a school the other day, and noticed that one of the cars in question was an old Volvo.

Now, I have nothing against old Volvo’s, Lord knows, I typically drive an older car myself and I know that Volvo’s are not very cheap (at least they aren’t in the ‘States, where I live) but I kind of expect the crew from Top Gear to pull out all of the stops. You know, when I tune into Top Gear I expect to see them twirling around in all of those fancy Italian supercars that nobody can afford, not driving the humble everyday man’s Volvo around that famed racing circuit like this.

This got me thinking. Must be budget cuts or they wouldn’t be doing this, right? And, if money’s tight, the least I can do is sort of offer to help out, as best I can, my favorite show. I mean, wouldn’t it be nice of me to offer up some advice to help a fellow out in these tough economic times?

So, in an attempt at helping the folks at Top Gear raise some money, I thought I’d suggest some second jobs for the presenters. Now, Jeremy is too tall to work at a burger joint, Richard already moonlights all over British TV (not to mention he has a bad habit of crashing expensive vehicles, which could prove too costly) and James can never seem to follow directions (“Was it left and then right?”) not to mention he’s not all that employable, not with a nickname of “Captain Slow” going for him. So, given all of that, what’s a girl to do?

That’s when it came to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the

Top 10 Moonlighting Gigs for The Stig:

Number 10: Lord Stig’s All Night Laundromat and Midday Motoring Service (Sale today, one day only, spin cycles, 4 for a buck.)

Number 9: Mama Chin’s Chinese Takeaway-special of the day Kung Pao Stiggy (if you’re calling from the Board of Health we need to inform you: contains NO chicken.)

Number 8: Lord Stig’s African Adventures (Outmaneuvering charging Rhino’s across multiple continents!) Sign-up today, hurry, tours booking FAST.

Number 7: “You’ve reached the law firm of Tallie, Smallie, Shaggy, and Stig. Please leave your name and number after the beep and we’ll return your call as soon as possible.”

Number 6: Captain Stig’s Amphibious Vehicles that almost made it-Coming soon to the bottom of a lake near you. Please pay extra surcharge and rental fees for all snorkel and SCUBA equipment upfront (and in cash only. Sorry, we cannot accept credit cards from the soon to be deceased.)

Number 5: Captain Stiggy’s Indoor Plumbing and Auto Racing-He’s your Rotor Rooter Man! Guaranteed to be faster than that pesky clogged drain.

Number 4: Lord Stig’s Custom Window Treatments and Motoring Service-Specializing in custom finials made from genuine Top Gear leftover parts! (Worn tire drapery tie-backs extra.)

Number 3: Captain Stig’s Lawn and Driving Service-Please refrain from asking us that riding mower’s best lap time.

Number 2: Stiggy’s Pest Control and Motoring Service-Flattening unwanted mice since 2009.

And, perhaps the most profitable, the number 1 recommended moonlighting gig for Top Gear’s The Stig is:

Number 1: Lord Stig’s House of Ill Repute and Midday Motoring Service-You ride ’em, we drive ’em.

The only downside I see to that one is that you’d have to be very specific when asking for a “lap dance.”

Until next time…

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