I got a catalog the other day in the mail, offering, for sale, a Chinese Muzzy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, this sounds like some kind of Asian prostitute or, perhaps, some kind of Oriental torture device, one that I might place over Chase’s head to keep him from biting the neighbor’s kid, but, alas, you’d be wrong.
But, first let me also tell you that I’ve finished cleaning off the table by my front door. The table where I keep my mail. The table where I place my mail order catalogs, as I get them, the table where I stop to take off my shoes and put down my keys. It’s clean. Spotless really. Totally empty.
What does this have to do with an Asian prostitute, you ask? Nothing really. Except that, a Chinese Muzzy is actually a…device. A device that assists you…a device that assists you in learning a foreign language. Yes, my snowflakes, a Chinese Muzzy appears to be some kind of blue-ish fluffy doll that yaps in Mandarin. And they have a catalog for this. A whole, entire mail order catalog devoted to all things Muzzy. Not just Muzzy, but Chinese Muzzy. (They probably have another one for Italian Muzzy and French Muzzy and, well, you get the idea. But, somehow, I got the catalog for the Chinese Muzzy in the mail.)
Designed for children, ages 1-12, it’s true, my snowflakes, young children all over the world appear to be happily snuggling up to their collective muzzys. Muzzy was even featured in the Wall Street Journal. Imagine that. Who knew that, in the world today, you could mail order a Chinese Muzzy from the Wall Street Journal? (Wow. The things you learn on the internet these days.)
So, now that you know about as much as I do about all things Chinese Muzzy, you’re probably still wondering what this Muzzy would have to do with my table.
It’s September my snowflakes. September brings cooler nights, rain soaked days, autumn moons, colored leaves gently rustling in the trees and, most importantly, Christmas catalogs in the mail. Yes, it’s true, my snowflakes, it’s officially Christmas catalog season.
It’s Christmas catalog season and I’m ready for it. I say, “Bring it on!” I’ve cleared off my table (well, except for the Muzzy brochure which, in case you couldn’t guess, holds a “special” place in my heart) I’ve packed off all the old catalogs into the recycle bin, I’m ready and waiting for the new load to appear. Bring it on you ruthless mail order merchants. Show me what you got. Send me you’re, “there’s still time!’s” and you’re “Don’t Pay Until January!’s” Bring on your cheap Ginsu knives and your warm fluffy slippers. I’m ready for you. Unleash the worst of your pulp fury. Go for it!
This year, I’m going to count. I’m going to count how many catalogs I get in the mail this Christmas. I’m going to count and I’m going to post the count to my website. In fact, I think that I’m going to call this count my “Muzzy Count” in honor of, well, you know (that fluffy little blue doll who yaps in Chinese, in case you have not had your coffee yet.)
That’s right, my snowflakes. My “Muzzy Count” is now, officially set at 1 (since I received the LL Bean Christmas catalog the other day in the mail. And we all know, for some reason, they are always first.) I’m going to count and count and count and keep counting until it’s January. And I’m going to do my best to keep my table, the one where I place my mail order catalogs, take off my shoes, and put my keys down onto, that table, yes, I’m going to do my best to keep my table clear. Clear of Christmas catalogs, clear of keys, and, well, it probably goes without saying but, clear of Chinese Muzzys.
So, now that you know about all things Muzzy, it’s probably safe to say that, the next time somebody offers you up a “Chinese Muzzy” you probably won’t get too excited but you’ll start humming “Jingle Bells.”
And, like, watch out for those catalogs, man, they’ll bury you.
Until next Muzzy…