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And the Gold Goes to…Olympic Sports that Weren’t

The Olympics always seem to have one defining moment. One moment where we collectively hold our breaths, clench our fists, wonder in amazement at how they pulled it off-that sort of thing. I can remember the miracle on ice, the girl who broke her foot but still managed to stick a landing on the gymnastics horse, Nadia Comancei’s perfects 10’s. I don’t know if this years’ Olympic events will have such a moment, but I’m sure the athletes will do their collective bests. It’s part of the job. The Olympics are savored by the best.

We all try to be “the best” at something. We try only to find that sometimes we succeed and sometimes, alas, we take our place on that silver or bronze medal podium, watching and listening as somebody else’s national anthem gets played over the loudspeaker. That’s how life goes, I suppose.

I’m sure we’re all “the best” at something, we just have to get out, get off our collective duffs, and find what that “something” is. We need to make our own little podiums, our own track and field events, our own indoor sports, if we want to really succeed in life.

So, without further ado, I bring you my notion of Olympic Events That Weren’t. Perhaps there are sports that should never be, maybe they just haven’t come to fruition yet, or maybe their an idea whose time has come. You be the judge (and yes, that means, you get to hand out the medals)

  • Office Politics-we’ve gotten so bad at it, might as well make it a sport.
  • Bullshitting-middle managers everywhere would salivate as they read off the winners. “And the Olympic gold for bullshitting goes to…” Imagine that.
  • Dumpster Diving-“My cousin’ Jimmy here won that there GOLD MEDAL when he found his-self a dia-mon ring in that there trash bucket. Almost one whole caret, yes indeeeed.” (Would give back woods Appalachia a level playing field.)
  • Trolling for Spouses-gold diggers would finally get their own medal. Hey, don’t laugh. I’m sure they’ll get one to match the diamonds and jewels they already weaseled.
  • Russian Wedding Sports-the bride closest to her delivery date, without going over, wins! Just think of what this could do to the pregnant bridal gown industry. Shotguns optional.
  • Head Banging-Rokken with Dokken puff metal heads compete for the Gold!

I’m sure there’s plenty more where these came from, but these should get you thinking.

Go for the gold, but watch what you step in along the way.

Until next time…


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